I've been watching Anne of Green Gables for three days and I started reading the books again as well. As with random things in life, it got to me. BIG TIME.
I started thinking about the girl I was when Ryan and I married... I compared her to who I have become and I am not satisfied. I think the moment that Isaac was born I lost myself... not only did I have a baby, I spent almost 2 of the next 3 years alone, and, with the birth of my son, I got sick... and I kicked into survival mode... I feel as if I have never left.
In the middle of the night I messaged Ryan. I was in shock when I woke this morning and read it. I decided to share it because it has so much truth in it... and I feel like maybe some of these truths don't just apply to us.
"It's after midnight and I can't sleep.
I have been lonelier for you these past three days than any other day you've been gone since Isaac was born. I've been in survival mode for far too long and I'm scared to death it will simply become our norm.
I have been lonelier for you these past three days than any other day you've been gone since Isaac was born. I've been in survival mode for far too long and I'm scared to death it will simply become our norm.
I want to love
you passionately. I want to know every single day that my life is not,
and can not be, mundane simply because you are in it. I don't want to forget
why we are together or sweep our love for each other under the rug because it's safe and we
have bigger things to worry about, only to find it gone when we go
looking.
I want to miss you every day not just because my work without
you is more but because I'm missing a part of me that went with you.
I
want to be barely able to keep my hands off of you when we're together
and feel as if you feel the same.
I want our extraordinary love story
to stay strange and real and NOT NORMAL.
I don't want a rut, I want "As
you wish"
I don't want a white picket fence, I want "Swords drawn against
the world"
I want to be Anne and Gilbert through all the long years.
Most importantly, I
want Isaac to know he was the product of THAT love not the dampener of it...
or worse, for him to never know we felt that way once.
I love you with all of my heart and I want to learn to live that again."
Truth... every word.
Time to get to work...
Courtney
I very recently wrote a letter like this to Chuck. It is SO hard, isn't it, to keep the passion alive. It's not even a bad marriage many times, just. . . without passion. . . I GET this post because it's my heart too. Thank you for sharing. I know how ot pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI love you
It is hard... our life is never constant, never routine, we love each other... truly. Our marriage has never been loveless... but I just feel as if we've lost the passion of it. The spark that makes us so different and so beautiful with each other. I don't want habit to take the place of friendship.
ReplyDeleteHabit is all I have left. Let me be your lesson..."Do Not Let This Happen To You!" It's even lonelier.....
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post!
ReplyDeleteFriend, if you are both willing to work on this, I think every expectation will be met and then some. Be prepared to come out of it looking like you've had a good roll in the hay and giggling like teenagers. :)
ReplyDelete